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"You've ruined it for me. No man is going to be as nice to me as you."

so far it's alright

I was your first call.

she had a face straight out a magazine.

I'm supposedly having surgery at some point soon. The latest being September 21st. My best friend's birthday is October 6th.

She said if I can't go to her house or do whatever on her birthday that she's coming to my house. "We can wheel you over, can't we?"

She said she is not going to go her entire birthday without seeing me. She said she's not doing that again. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something like that.

//

Also, someone I thought had lost my number still has it. I responded two hours later because I was napping after a blah day with 0 sleep. She didn't reply, and I don't even care. Because she thought about me after seeing a professor we had together a year and a half ago. She thought about me.

...

Things that mean more to me than you know.
Well, I officially graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Art Studies with my concentration of Film Studies. It's really weird that this is now a fact and not the usual "if" or "maybe" or "one day." It only took a thousand years, but I did it. What am I going to do next? Pft, do I ever know anything? I'm currently looking another job (though I work with mostly wonderful people at a retail store I'd always wanted to work at for a while--I just obviously need more money and something different). I want to be able to start actually saving money and repaying myself back. I want to go to Europe and California really badly. I want my own place. My own space. I want more time in the day. And sometimes, after seeing a musical like Once, I want love again. But only sometimes.

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Nov. 7th, 2013

I want to start back writing. Anything. I have some excellent software that was required when I took my screenwriting class, and I haven't used it since. I update it, as if I will use it. Maybe sometime...
What is age? How do you measure such a thing? What is success? What is destiny? What am I supposed to be doing? I'm such a late bloomer in this whole life thing. I still don't know what I'm doing, and I feel like I should know by now. People around me seem to know (not all, by any means); people much younger than I. They know what they want, what they're going to do and how they're going to get it. If they don't, they figure it out. Yet I coast and flow from day to day with a goal of finding where I'm supposed to be; who I'm supposed to be. Always left behind, catching up... still in the race, just not a sure bet. I don't mind all the time. I know that everyone is different; everyone measures things differently, also. I'm glad I don't feel my "age," and I hope that when I'm 80, I feel 50 or whatever, etc. That's great. I only hope that eventually I end up somewhere.

I did read a quote recently that said it doesn't matter how long it takes you on your path, just that you're on the right one, or something like that. I am the absolute literal example of that, or at least... I hope I am (not too sure about the latter part)... I spent years being dormant. This journal holds proof of that, if you go back in these dusty entries. Dormant, dormant. Unsure. I fear so much that I will become dormant again. I don't want to stand still. I want to move forward. I want to be better. I want to continue to grow, always. I want to contribute. I want to do something. And maybe even be good at it? I definitely want to love it. I let all these variables halt me, halt my thinking, halt my plans. Divert them. Some of them are genuine, some are probably good old fashioned excuses. Some are my anxiety that always hides inside of me, never fully letting me go. And I just don't know. Two years ago, I set sail with the thought that I will figure it out. I will go for this degree of that of which interests me and hope for the best. I still have two classes left before I graduate, and then what? What am I going to do? And what am I going to do in the mean time?

I just wonder if I'll ever know... if I'll ever get there.

and end up dreaming instead of sleeping

Holy mackerel, it's been a while. Oh, Livejournal.

I've survived three semesters of university. I feel like the semesters get slightly increasingly more difficult, but then again, that's probably just me. I'm all over the place, even when I try to plan ahead and not scramble at the last minute. But then I do. I'm still wingin' it, though. If I survive this semester, I will only have two classes left (I think), and I'm hoping they will both be offered this summer (and hopefully both online, please). Then, I should be done! No idea what I'll do after that, but I'll figure something out. I do know that I don't want to go back to my life before all of this. I want to continue forward. A lot has changed for me and within me in the last couple of years. It's interesting. Life's interesting. But still, many changes are ahead. I'll never be done growing, and I think that's okay. I think. I've met lots of people, some that I only know for a semester, some that stick... and I appreciate each and every one of them, for they've all helped me at some point in some way, more than they know (some know, because I tell them).

My mom is okay, but lately she's tired a lot. It's really hard to get her to leave the house, which is hard because she used to be such an on-the-go person... and also hard, because I want her to do things with me still. She has her set TV schedule, and sometimes I'll watch with her. Sometimes I can convince her to watch a movie with me. She's still a worry wart.

My eldest niece is a certified PA now, whattt. All the nieces are doing well. Jessica will graduate university this summer, I believe, and will be a teacher. Not sure how much Sarah has left of law school. Alyson and Kaylie are doing well. I think Alyson's really loving being on stage and doing plays. Kaylie thought it was okay when she did it, but she says it's really boring waiting backstage to go on.

Dogs are okay. I miss them a lot when I'm not here during the week. It will be exciting to be with them full time again when I'm done with school, but again, I don't really want to get back in that rut of before... so not sure about the living arrangements... I'm ready to start adding to my dog family maybe, but obviously need to be able to be around when that happens. I'm thinking Mickey and Mackie may get a sister soon. Maybe, maybe. Graduation present? I'm hoping they will be okay with a girl dog and not feel depressed or threatened. I just don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm nuts.

I guess that's all I want to update on. Just wanted to add something new to the old journal for my future self to read. Lots of time gaps in between the entries.

I watched Silver Linings Playbook tonight. It was good.

Feb. 13th, 2011

She'll never fall in love,
She swears as she runs her fingers through her hair.
I'm laughin' cause I hope she's wrong.

happy new year.

Trains.
And dreams.
And other things.

I don't know. I'd like to take another train trip. Aside from the constant stopping at times, it's rather fun.

I never write anymore. Not here. Not in my secret, hidden journal elsewhere. Not on paper. Not even of things that are not real. Fiction. Fantasy. Perhaps I shall change that? Doubtful, maybe. But possible. I still read past entries and laugh, sometimes cry. I have tidbits of my life scattered about the internet; some locked, some open. Some underneath my bed. Just not much lately. Some to forget. Some to remember forever. And some to remember only every now and then. Of course, that's the point, though, isn't it.

I have a recurring theme in my dreams. It involves me and cars. I'm on the run from something, or someone, and I'm usually randomly changing cars. It's an emergency, and I'm driving all crazy, but successfully. And I have to switch cars. I have to find one unlocked, or sometimes I can make them unlock and/or make them start with no key. Because it's an emergency. But I never, ever see what/who I'm running from. Usually I'm alone, too. It's weird. I should check my dream book about that. I tend to forget that I own a dream book.

Cars, teeth and flying. Those are my recurring themes. Weirdly, the car ones are probably my preference. The flying ones feel weird because I can hardly control it (they're also the ones I have the least). The teeth ones, obviously I hate because I'm usually missing teeth and I'm FREAKING out about it (I read that those signify worry or trouble). The car ones are interesting, action-packed, and I'm not normally frightened in them... just frantic, in a hurry.

Fun facts.

Goodnight.